Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Gay or Straight, He's Still Your Husband
Kudos to Nancy at the Front Pew for bringing this Rabbi to my attention. He has an advise column- and a woman who has been married for 7 years just learned her husband is gay.
He writes: "I told her to tell him that it made no difference if he was straight or gay, because he had children and when he got married he took an oath before G-d to remain faithful. She had to demand his faithfulness. And as long as he could guarantee his faithfulness, then she should remain with him. My point to her was that where our sexual predilections lead us is not the issue, so long as we can bring them under control. "
So according to the Rabbi, our faithfullness to our mate and to God are more important than our sexuality. Here's how he describes it:
"I assume you’re asking what you should do because you love him and wonder what's to become of your marriage. I say, the marriage should continue and he should remain completely faithful. He will just have to battle his urges toward men just as he would have to battle his urges toward other women if he were a heterosexual male. The fact is, human sexuality is pretty malleable, and we can direct ourselves to be attracted to the target of our choice. There is instinctual attraction and then there is habituated attraction. Let your husband work on becoming habitually attracted to you and channeling his attraction towards you. "
He writes: "I told her to tell him that it made no difference if he was straight or gay, because he had children and when he got married he took an oath before G-d to remain faithful. She had to demand his faithfulness. And as long as he could guarantee his faithfulness, then she should remain with him. My point to her was that where our sexual predilections lead us is not the issue, so long as we can bring them under control. "
So according to the Rabbi, our faithfullness to our mate and to God are more important than our sexuality. Here's how he describes it:
"I assume you’re asking what you should do because you love him and wonder what's to become of your marriage. I say, the marriage should continue and he should remain completely faithful. He will just have to battle his urges toward men just as he would have to battle his urges toward other women if he were a heterosexual male. The fact is, human sexuality is pretty malleable, and we can direct ourselves to be attracted to the target of our choice. There is instinctual attraction and then there is habituated attraction. Let your husband work on becoming habitually attracted to you and channeling his attraction towards you. "
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I believe you forgot another important part of the column Chip. This says a great deal about "attraction":
The situation would be different if your husband were one of the small percentage of gay men who has absolutely no attraction to women, because studies show that approximately 90% of gay men have had sex with women. If he were part of the 10% who could never be attracted to a woman, I would tell you the marriage is over and divorce must sadly follow. But clearly your husband can perform with and be attracted to women, so your marriage should not be thrown away.
The situation would be different if your husband were one of the small percentage of gay men who has absolutely no attraction to women, because studies show that approximately 90% of gay men have had sex with women. If he were part of the 10% who could never be attracted to a woman, I would tell you the marriage is over and divorce must sadly follow. But clearly your husband can perform with and be attracted to women, so your marriage should not be thrown away.
Thanks, Matt. If it is true that 90% of gay men are atracted to women, would you agree it is wrong for a married man to have sex with men?
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