Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Divorce Is Like Shooting Yourself In The Foot
Noooo- I am not talking about every case, just when one party decides they aren't happy and wants to leave. A friend calls it "shooting yourself in the foot...with a shotgun."
The birdshot shell represents a marraige without children. The more deadly buckshot represents marraiges with kids.
His explanation goes something like this. A man who becomes unhappy and wants out of the marraige will eventually discover his unhappiness had little to do with his wife. We know this to be true. So by projecting his unhappiness on his wife, he leaves- or shoots himself in the foot. He'll be damaged for the rest of his life.
Worse, he never understands the impact of using a shotgun to shoot himself in the foot. He crushes his wife, sure- but what about their friends, extended family, all the people who identify with the couple in some positive way? The pellet spray covers a wider range than he intended.
Now if that man has children of any age, the damage becomes criminal, regardless of his intent. The children are permanently disabled by the blast- in a spiritual and emotional sense.
Now if that man is an acting Pastor, he's not using a shotgun- he's using a pipe bomb that will harm hundreds and in some cases- thousands.
I have witnessed the damage from birdshot, buckshots and a pipe bomb. Sometimes I watch helplessly while dear friends pick up a shotgun to take aim at their foot. At times I even dream about picking up the shotgun myself. What stops me? I know- beyond any doubt- my wife has little to do with my being happy.
So if you are pondering leaving your spouse because he or she doesn't make you happy, remember that in the end you will have not only maimed yourself, but everyone else you claim to love. Before you can fix anyone, fix yourself.
And if you are among the walking wounded, seek forgiveness, just like you would seek constant care for your shot up foot. It may not work- the forgiveness may never come from those you hurt. And you'll certainly have to live with the pain... But remember, those who seek forgiveness are the very ones who realize life isn't about their own happiness.
I'm tempted to introduce the Gospel at this point. It is a great story. It's all about forgiveness and do-overs and contentment and yes- even happiness. And you are never asked to give up anything without gaining alot more. But I can tell you don't want to hear it....
The birdshot shell represents a marraige without children. The more deadly buckshot represents marraiges with kids.
His explanation goes something like this. A man who becomes unhappy and wants out of the marraige will eventually discover his unhappiness had little to do with his wife. We know this to be true. So by projecting his unhappiness on his wife, he leaves- or shoots himself in the foot. He'll be damaged for the rest of his life.
Worse, he never understands the impact of using a shotgun to shoot himself in the foot. He crushes his wife, sure- but what about their friends, extended family, all the people who identify with the couple in some positive way? The pellet spray covers a wider range than he intended.
Now if that man has children of any age, the damage becomes criminal, regardless of his intent. The children are permanently disabled by the blast- in a spiritual and emotional sense.
Now if that man is an acting Pastor, he's not using a shotgun- he's using a pipe bomb that will harm hundreds and in some cases- thousands.
I have witnessed the damage from birdshot, buckshots and a pipe bomb. Sometimes I watch helplessly while dear friends pick up a shotgun to take aim at their foot. At times I even dream about picking up the shotgun myself. What stops me? I know- beyond any doubt- my wife has little to do with my being happy.
So if you are pondering leaving your spouse because he or she doesn't make you happy, remember that in the end you will have not only maimed yourself, but everyone else you claim to love. Before you can fix anyone, fix yourself.
And if you are among the walking wounded, seek forgiveness, just like you would seek constant care for your shot up foot. It may not work- the forgiveness may never come from those you hurt. And you'll certainly have to live with the pain... But remember, those who seek forgiveness are the very ones who realize life isn't about their own happiness.
I'm tempted to introduce the Gospel at this point. It is a great story. It's all about forgiveness and do-overs and contentment and yes- even happiness. And you are never asked to give up anything without gaining alot more. But I can tell you don't want to hear it....
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